Dear A,

How do I begin to tell this story? I think I will begin by congratulating you for your solemnization ceremony. I regret to inform you that I will not be able to attend it. Having got that formal wishes out, let me begin by recollecting my first memory of you.

I remembered a tiny, skinny girl, running about the Charlton Park, and emitting sharp irritating burst of giggles periodically. I hated that. Yet I was charmed by how much joy she can generate, entertaining herself and her friends with simple childish games. I would sit by the side shyly, quite unsure whether I should participate in the games or not. I was generally moody all through my childhood and didn’t seem to belong. I choose to sit with the adults after some deliberation and listened to their debate on philosophy eventually.

Years passed. I chiseled myself for my lack of courage month after month. I wanted to be engulfed by that joyful laughter, yet I failed each time. I became old before my time I guessed.

As we entered our teenage years, my perceptions went into chaos. I would scream and tease and simply bully my way to get any kind of attention, mostly in vain. I recalled attending a meeting. I had forgotten what and where. But I remembered walking past an opened window with some members already chanting and she caught my eyes immediately. That was the skinny girl all grown up. The image of her chanting intensely with her signature sunglasses on her head doubling as hair band overwhelmed my mind. This image lasted till today and I expect it to continue to my deathbed.

From hence on, I began to perform some outrageous deeds. I attempted to participate more during discussion meetings hoping she would cast her glance my way. When I learnt her address eventually, I remembered rushing off from school at least once a week to camp at the bus-stop opposite her flat hoping to see her walk home from school which she did. It was of no consequences that I was supposed to be preparing for my O-levels that year. I did so week after week. And if I did succeed in watching her from afar for that week, it would be the highlight that had me grinning like an idiot in class. And never once had I the courage to approach her to express my feelings. I waited. Until the Charlie Chaplin incident.

I acted as Charlie Chaplin in a cultural item. And when I learnt her flattering reviews of my performance, my hormones went into overdrive. I finally asked her out. We dated for a while before she decided that we were not meant to be. I remember the enormous pain of heartbreak. It was almost unbearable. But we were young. We were not ready to handle relationships. Our outlooks were childish. Yet, I remember fondly at least, that the feeling was genuine. They are worthy memories.

Years passed. And we grew up and learn to love others. I fell in love again and had another relationship that lasted 4 years. You had your own stories too. Time diluted the pain of parting. We eventually began talking again, and freely. I may not always confide directly to you. But it is true that over the years, whenever I’m feeling down, I would attempt to have a causal conversation with you. And each time, you never fail to lift my spirits. You may not explicitly know it but you were there when I had my occasional quarrels with C; You were there when I was coming to terms with my father surrendering to the law; You were there when I was struggling with my responsibilities as a warrior for kosen-rufu; You were there when I was disappointed with what I learnt about our educational system while studying at NIE; And I must add that you did play a part in my decision to become an educator. I thank you.

To be honest, you are not the only woman I loved. I had love another girl after you and will love others again in the future. But I think I can safely say that you were the first to affect my heart in ways I never knew.

Your mum ever commented to me that I had unconsciously placed you on a pedestal and it made you uncomfortable at times. I admit that I did that. But I add now that I did that very consciously indeed. To me, you are nothing less than a truly wonderful human being. And you remained there on that pedestal today, as you prepare yourself to become someone else’s bride. Congratulations once again on your massive step into the next phrase of your life. And from the bottom of my heart, I pray for your happiness and will always keep a lookout for you with the pride and love of an angel.

Yours, Ra